Military Marriage

I get asked the weirdest things sometimes regarding my marriage... a recent one was “knowing what you do now about the military lifestyle would you still have have chosen to marry your husband?”

After my initial blank stare and thinking “wait, for real?” in my head... yes, unequivocally yes. First, I fell in love with him, not his job. Second, I met him after he had already joined the military, this was already his chosen career path so that was present right from the start. I know what you’re thinking though- “what about the separations, the deployments, the trainings, the constant moves, the lack of a career for you, everything you’ve given up?” Well let me address those...

Being separated from the one you love regardless of a TDY, training exercise, or deployment teaches you a lot about yourself. You figure out what you can handle on your own, you set a schedule that works for you, you dig into the community and find a tribe like no other, you get it done. It also makes you appreciate your time with your spouse that much more. Do we argue, get on each other’s nerves, push each others buttons, go through periods of not liking one another. Yes, yes, yes a hundred times yes. But love. Always. Even amongst the fights and tears.

As far as my lack of career and sacrifices that I’ve made, well yes, it’s interesting and frustrating all at the same time. I gave up a job opportunity with Norwegian Cruise Lines to marry my husband and move 2,300mi away from everything and everyone I knew. I have a degree in Recreation and Tourism Management,  that has never been used for the intended purpose. I easily could have, especially during our time in Hawaii, however nights and weekends are the main work hours in this field (besides school programs which I hope to get into someday) and if I chose that then I would never see my husband (and now children), which wasn’t worth it to me. Plus, throw in the cost of childcare and not seeing my babies hit milestones, you get where I’m going with this. That is not to say I haven’t worked! In Maryland I worked for a school and sports portrait company. In Hawaii I ran my own photography business and was hired by a team of realtors to handle their social media and marketing- which I actually still do today remotely from Virginia! 

As far as moving every 2-4yrs. Yes it’s hard. I can’t sugar coat that. However, I never would have been able to afford a place in Hawaii with the ocean less than an 1/8th of a mile from my front door. I never would have chosen to live in Maryland or Virgina but both places have offered amazing road trip experiences and friendships. Speaking of friendships... I’m not one of those people with a best friend who I grew up with, my closest, most understanding, and real friendships have come from meeting and diving into relationships with people in each place I’ve lived.

This life, as I assume with any lifestyle/marriage, is a give and take. Do I feel like I give more somedays? Definitely. However my husband’s mind and body is pushed to the limit daily and he loves his job so there’s nothing I would want to say to take that away from him. People seem to think marriage is 50/50... but that’s just inadequate. You can’t devote half yourself to something so important. Marriage is 100/100... you devote everything you have so when your spouse drops to 50% your love carries them through, and vice versus. It’s not a game to see who does more. There isn’t a winner or loser within a team. 

How did I get here? Where am I going?

My 10yr high school reunion is coming up, along with my baby sister's wedding, and my son's first birthday... Recently when I lie (lay?) awake at night mind racing, my thoughts keep coming back too...

• How did I end up here?
• How do I have a bachelor's degree that I've never used?
• How have I been out of high school for 10yrs and college for 6yrs?
• How has the longest job I've held only been 4yrs and part-time at that?
• How will I be 29 in nearly a month?
• How did I manage to be primarily a WAHW and now a WAHM?
• How do other military spouses transfer successful careers?
• How do moms choose career or kids? Or both? How do they juggle the time?

Then I hear the rustling of my son on the baby monitor, slowly turning into whimpers, and then cries. Cries for me.

I carried him inside me for 38wks. I went through some crazy ups & downs during the pregnancy. He decided to come 2wks early. My labor was at 25hrs when they discovered my body physically couldn't open for him to exit and 26hrs by the time they wheeled me into the OR. For the first 2mo of his life he nursed every 45min to 2hrs, 24hrs a day. I have watched him triple his birth weight, reach milestones, explore the world around him, continually growing right in front of my eyes.

So as I walk into his room and see him standing along the railing with little tears rolling down his cheeks, arms up waiting for me... I know this, for now, is exactly where I am suppose to be. We nurse & rock in the glider until he starts rubbing his sleepy eyes, then I transfer him back into his crib where, on a good night, he slips back into dreamland and I tip-toe out of his room avoiding the creaky floorboard by his door. I take one last glance of his sweet little face illuminated by the nightlight and quietly close the door, head back to my bed and slip under the sheets.

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

After being unemployed for the first 10mo of our marriage I took a crazy job with weird hours working for a school and sports portrait company that had me travel all over the state of Maryland. It worked because my husband had crazy hours as well. Once we moved to Hawaii I started my current job about 6mo after we arrived. I loved the part time flexibility because it allowed me ample time to explore the island and volunteer for things I was passionate about. Since I no longer reside in Hawaii I am wrapping up loose ends and training my replacement via online and phone sessions. I am about to become unemployed once again. But now... I am a mommy. I have a little one to invest in. I think I'll be okay. I just have to remember that we can be smart with our finances and God has something big in store for me even if I'm feeling like my dreams are a little small at the moment.

This face helps, even on the days I feel like I'm losing my mind!

What do you do when you start to question your life?

-Tay

Babies & Birthdays.

Little man is two months away from his first birthday and the questions have started rolling in...

1. What kind of party is he having?
2. What does he want?

First regarding the party - when did it become necessary to have such a huge event for a one year old. May I remind  you they won't remember it. They don't need a huge banner, fancy DIY party favors, a custom order cake, or fancy catered food. They are one. One. (I'm not sure anyone NEEDS those things to begin with). Why should I spend that much money? I will take pictures, he will know he was celebrated and loved.

Yes, I want my son's birthday to be cute. I'll probably even have a small banner, I plan on doing some DIY items, but I'm making the cake myself and what is so wrong with simple balloons and streamers these days? I swear moms put so much pressure on themselves these days to "have it all together" and make "pinterest worthy" items ...I just don't have time for that!

This is what you get when you search "1st birthday party ideas!"

Second, my baby doesn't want anything other than love, attention, food, and a place to sleep... probably a changed diaper every now and then. So what you're really asking is "what can I buy him?" But my answer isn't fun, it's not what people want to hear, it's practical. My sons NEEDS (money towards) the next size up car seat and winter clothing (um hello, he was born in Hawaii and lives in a diaper most days). Neither of those things are shiny or make noise, but I can say that I'd much rather have my son safely secured in our vehicle and dressed adequately for cold weather than the fleeting moment of happiness that comes with a new toy.

So, if you don't want to hear my answer that's fine, just include a gift receipt, haha!

What are your thoughts on baby birthdays?

-Tay

The Friendship Waiting Game.

Sometimes I really dislike being "the new kid on the block." No, I didn't go back to school, but I did just move 4,900mi over the Pacific and entire U.S. Continent. In 6yrs this is my 5th state... 2009 was the craziest - living in California for 5mo, Arizona for 5mo, and ending up in Maryland for the last 2. We moved from Maryland to Hawaii in spring of 2011, and just arrived here in Virginia about 7wks ago.

My house still needs some things put up on the walls, but the majority of "moving in" is done. I will forever tweak things, make small changes, re-arrange, and by the time it's "just right" it will be time to move again. But that's a whole different story...

Today I want to write about loneliness. We have been in this house for a little over 1mo. I have met a couple of the neighbors but they are all older than us and I don't really see them being "buddies" with a younger couple and their 9mo old baby. My husband works odd hours (ranging from 8-14hr days) Mon-Fri with the occasional weekend shift. I do work from home (surprise!) but it's all online marketing items done mainly by e-mail and/or social media, if the phone is involved it generally isn't a good thing. 

Which means... My main source of conversation is my son. Who only knows how to say "mama" "dada" "baba" and a bunch of gibberish that I can't translate. Of course I can call my family anytime, they love hearing from me and face-timing with their grandson/nephew, but that's not the same. They aren't here. They can't go see a movie with me, grab lunch, attend a workout class, etc. 

I am married to a wonderful man and we eat dinner together and usually take the baby on an evening walk while we talk. But he needs time to decompress after work even though some days all I want to do is plop the baby in his lap and drive to the grocery store or Target with no shopping list, just to aimlessly wander.

My son amazes me everyday with his new discoveries and likes. Earlier this afternoon he pulled all the books out of his toy bin and was "reading" them instead of playing with all the shiny-loud-plastic things. It was adorable.

As I mentioned before, my family is truly only a phone call away, I love it. 

BUT I crave face-to-face time, I want to know that someone I trust will take care of my son while my husband and I go on a much needed date (what are those?), I want a friend or two (really I'm not asking for a lot) that knows my likes-dislikes-fears-beliefs-etc and wants to be around me, and I them. 

I miss our "Hawaii Ohana" every day. We have a few friends we really clicked with in our short time from Maryland - but Hawaii brought us an extremely tight-knit group. To the point that if you were broken down on the other side of the island it would only take one text or call to have someone there to help! When a husband was deployed, the other husbands did car, yard, and maintenance work for the wife left behind. If you had a rough day, you could walk down the road and sit on your friend's couch while she chose a chick-flick, threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave, and poured you a glass of wine. We didn't knock if they knew we were coming, we walked in as if we belonged. We knew our way around each others kitchens and rotated dinner nights. We went on outings and vacations together. We celebrated holidays and big life events together. We had children together. We did life together. We weren't family by blood, but by choice.

I want that here. I need it. I am sick of being lonely. 

Here it's a bit different... We don't live on base. We don't have a family readiness group. The unit is so small and specialized some people don't even know they exist. 

So military items aside - Our neighborhood doesn't have a community center. I was amazed at how expensive the YMCA memberships are. MyGym/Gymboree for kids is WAY more expensive than a gym membership would be for myself. And we have tried so many churches but none of them have "felt like home." Some people don't understand that, but it's how we know it's the right place for us. Especially since those tight-knit people I was talking about from Hawaii... 75% of them we met through our church.

I am still getting used to my surroundings and the roads. But I am hoping to try out a free mommy & me class at the gym. Maybe do a story time event at a library (although my guy is still kind of little to understand). I'm trying to find a local MOPS group to join. I would love to take a class at Michael's or even the community college just for fun, but it would have to be evening/weekend and my husband isn't always guaranteed to be home. And before you say "hire a sitter" we refuse to let anyone watch our baby that we don't know personally, too many crazies out there. That's just the way it is for us.

I know friends will happen. They did in California, Maryland, and Hawaii... It's just a waiting game and I'm getting impatient.

Have you moved recently? Do you move often? What are your tips for making good quality friendships in a new completely unfamiliar place?
-Tay

Busy bee.

I managed to get the baby to play on his own so I jumped on the computer behind him and started clearing out all those unwanted e-mails and unsubscribing from lists that I probably only joined in order to enter a contest.

I love that my desk directly overlooks the deck in our back yard, as I looked out earlier I noticed this little bug crawling around inside the screen (guess I better check for holes). I couldn't really tell if it was a beetle or spider, then all of a sudden it started flying around. So I leaned in really close to the window to examine, and what do you know - it was a baby bee!

The poor thing has been struggling to get out the entire time I've been sitting here. It made me wonder, how often do we get ourselves into situations without having a "way out" (aka: a back-up plan)? How often do we say "yes" because it seems like the right thing to do even though we really don't have the time or resources to fully invest? How often do we put everyone and everything in front of ourselves?

When I was going through a really bad bout of anxiety my husband bought me this book, 100 Great Ideas to Relax and Reduce Stress. I like all the ideas the book has to offer but I found two great lists inside that I've made into printable cards for you to help implement time management and balance into your life.

Click on the cards to view full-size then right-click and choose"save as" or "print."

Ladies... I'm not advocating being lazy, skirting out of responsibilities, or leaving your husband and kids to fend for themselves (although I know plenty of guys that are great cooks!), what I am saying is make sure you give yourself time to do something you love, something that relaxes you, something that calms you and allows you to refresh... don't overload your schedules just because!

How do you relax, unwind, refresh?
-Tay