Comparison is the Thief of Joy

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Sometimes it’s hard looking in the mirror because this is what I see...

• Tired
• Unproductive member of society
• 30-something stay at home mom
• Bachelor's Degree that I've never used

I am the only person in my family who doesn’t work. I stand next to my husband who daily sacrifices so much for our country. My dad retired after 20yrs+ of serving others as a fire fighter. My mom was an entrepreneur way before that was the “cool” thing to do. Both grandfather’s are military veterans and work(ed) hard every day of their lives. Both grandmother’s fiercely devoted to family and helping others. My sister graduated college in 3yrs and finished her masters in under 2yrs all while teaching and coaching. Her husband is very devoted to his field of work because of the positive impact it makes on those who need it. My SIL works night shift and alternates child responsibilities with her police officer husband. My BIL travels all over the Midwest and east coast making a name for himself within his job field. My in-laws are extremely hard workers as well.

Then there’s me. I’m a stay at home mom. And while I do love that I get to see my babies grow, change, and develop new skills. I seriously just feel like I’m a hamster in a wheel most days- running and not going anywhere. I don’t have a set “learning” time or teaching plan for my oldest, and when I need 30min I’m not above turning the TV on for him. I haven’t made a meal plan in years and even when I did it was hard-pressed that I actually stuck to it. I don’t make everything from scratch. My laundry is a never ending process. My house is clean by many’s standards but I feel like it’s always dirty and it drives me nuts. 

Deep in my gut I know I am called to do more. Everyone says to do what you’re passionate about, but that’s always been my problem. I’m passionate about many things- family, friends, photography, remembering birthdays/anniversaries, documenting our life in a yearly photo book, trying new crafts, exploring new places. But really? How do any of those turn into a profession?

So there you have it...

I’m a 30-something mother of two, married to a US Marine, within a family of passionate workers, but utterly lost in my pursuit of purpose.

Anxious Mommy Heart.

No one tells you how truly stressful parenting can be... 

You try to balance between discipline and teaching respect. You make sure he knows his ABCs, 123s, colors, shapes, etc. You read to him to encourage the love/habit. You have him unload the silverware from the dishwasher and help sort laundry to foster teamwork. You socialize with other parents who have kids his age to encourage friendship. You struggle with potty training, but push on. You make time for one-one-one outings to remind him he was your first baby. You love him unconditionally even on the days you want to pull your hair and hide in the closet.

And then he gets sick. His small pitiful 3yr old voice crying for “Mommy” breaks your heart. You want to cuddle with him and make it all better but the baby is screaming and now you’re terrified of her getting sick too. The nurse hotline gave great advice, but it didn’t quench my anxious mommy heart. This has been the scariest flu season I can remember in my 30yrs+ on earth... my husband had a co-worker die from it this week! That’s way too close to home. Way too close to my kids. Way too stressful for my anxiety-riddled mind to even comprehend right now... it’s 10:41pm and my alarm is going to go off in exactly 19min for me to check my son’s temperature for no less than the 10th time since this afternoon. If I wasn’t 3mo post partum and nursing the baby I would give anything for me to be the one sick and not him... but I cannot fathom being sick, nursing, and taking care of both of them as well. I know it’s possible. If it happens I will power through. But man. Parenting is hard. Body, soul, and mind.

Praying and clinging to these words tonight: 

“Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.”

Romans 12:12 GNT

The Innocence of Children

The innocence of children always gives me hope that the future of our neighborhoods, cities, states, and country will be more harmonious than the current state of affairs. Today was beautiful, complete with sunshine and 65* weather. My husband had a homework assignment due so he stayed home with the baby while my 3yr old and I walked down to our neighborhood park. For quite awhile my son had the playground to himself, then an adorable Indian girl showed up and took my son “under her wing,” shortly after there were two beautiful black sisters, and gorgeous Hispanic siblings. Once the soccer games wrapped up across the street the playground just exploded with children. All of them giggling, running, helping each other up the rock wall, and ending up in dog-piles at the bottom of the slides.

I only heard one comment regarding differences and that was when the Indian girl’s mother yelled at her (I’m assuming it was along the lines of “be careful” since she was hanging off the side of the bridge) from across the playground. Another girl said “you speak English well, do you speak Indian too?” I didn’t hear the end of that conversation, but about 5min later the two girls were skipping arm in arm across the field.

Asian, Hispanic, Indian, Black, and White... all playing together in harmony. I love the diversity of our neighborhood and that the parents are obviously teaching these kiddos that the color of a person’s skin has no bearing on friendship, etc. 

When it was time to leave the park my little boy looked up at me with a huge smile on his face and said: “Mommy, I had fun with all my new friends!” 

That said, he is starting to recognize visual differences. He’s getting really good recognizing his colors now and earlier this week he pointed to my arm and said “what color is that?” I replied “skin color,” he did the same for his daddy and sister’s arms... my answer was always the same “skin color.” But, he knows mommy and daddy are different colors... he corrected me and said mine was white and daddy’s arm was brown. Smarty pants! I don’t think for him it has to do with anything other than the fact he likes to speak out the colors of everything- “Mommy what color is the sky?” You tell me buddy,” “Okay Mom, it’s blue!” And the conversation continues... grass, street, trees, flowers, cars. I love that he’s becoming aware of the beauty God has surrounded us with.

He hears the word “hapa” used when people say “oh your babies are so beautiful, are they hapa?” Someday he’ll understand that means he’s half White, half Asian. But I hope to continue to foster an acceptance and appreciation of all people regardless of their race/ethnicity. I think if we could all keep the innocent mindset of children, there’d be a lot less judgment and confusion for sure. Not to mention we’d all have a ton more friends if all it took was one afternoon hanging out at the playground! Haha!

My son and I really enjoy this song:

https://youtu.be/UEzCQBwQkdA

Tiny Toes.

I pray that these tiny toes will go many places during my daughter’s life. Whether that be exploring different countries, leading children across school grounds, walking through the halls of __________.

Obviously I have no idea what her future holds, but I can control the present. I can help guide her (and my son’s) feet by being the best mom I possibly can. 

I strive to teach my children love, respect, discipline, humility, cooperation, and to instill the fact that asking for help is okay, that we can voice our opinions (but to realize they won’t always be accepted and furthermore they won’t always be correct), and that relationships are far more important than things.

I don’t have it all together.

I yell too much. Timeouts happen.

But so do “I’m sorry & I love you.”

This is real life. And I’m just trekking on...

A Fellow Mom.

Today as I was filling out forms at the doctor’s office I glanced up to see this young mother juggling her baby while trying to get formula powder into the bottle (I wish I had noticed earlier - I would have offered to help). The baby kicked, formula went all over her lap, and you could just see the tears well up in her eyes as she put the screaming baby back into the car seat so she could try again. 

I finished my forms and ripped out a notes page from my day planner (yeah, I still use one of those). I quickly wrote down this quote:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day!” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I also added:

“Keep your head up momma, you’re doing a good job, we’ve all been there. Just try to enjoy that baby. God bless.” - A fellow Mom

I slipped it to her with my heart racing as I was called back to see the doctor. I’m not one to do these kinds of things normally, it makes me super anxious (just ask the nurse who took my vitals - oops my blood pressure was a tad high) but I’ve been reading Lisa Tykuerts’ “The Best Yes” and she takes about God appointments, and I don’t want to miss anymore opportunities to brighten someone’s day.

I Just Love Weekends.

I got a kid-free trip to Target (all the moms sigh in unison or jump for joy)! Best of all... 70% off Christmas clearance. I snagged wrapping paper & gift tags to be stored for next year, a few kids magic color books that we stash in our car doors for road trip meltdowns, and some generic stocking stuffer items to throw in my gift closet for those “oops, it’s ______’s birthday!” Then I saw the mugs, I don’t need anymore to be truthful, the ones I do have are from places we’ve eaten at and loved (Carlos’ Bakery, Cinnamon’s, etc.) or our previous churches (Severn Run, Anchor - just incase you’re looking). But this one caught my eye, and the total cost $1.49...

My initial thought was “I just love weekends because my husband is home, we get to spend quality time together, he gets more time with the kids, we explore the surrounding areas, sometimes go on day trips, and get spiritually filled at church.” So, I bought it.

Then, this morning as I filled up my new mug with hot water and threw in the tea bag, I thought “what if people took it as I just love weekends?” Because I don’t. I try to find joy in each day of the week, Monday through Sunday. Are weekdays sometimes rough? Yes, I am currently a stay at home mom with a 3yr old in the throes of potty training (oh, hey poop on the floor) and a 2mo old baby that demands to be held almost constantly. My husband works anywhere from 5am-7pm (give or take, military life y’all!) so often by the time he gets home all I want to do is hand him the baby, turn a cartoon on for the toddler, and check out for 30min. 

All that to say- I don’t just live for the weekend. I don’t just live for summer. I don’t just live for an upcoming vacation. I hope you see where I’m going with this. One of my mugs also says “Begin and end each day with an expression of joy.” Mug wisdom. If it’s not a thing- I’m declaring it one now. Each and every day we have a choice, will we be joyful or let the bad from the day drag us down?

On the eve of 2018... I'm declaring that joy will be something that I try to find daily!

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.”

Proverbs 17:22 NLT

Gold Star Wives & Families.

I STILL don't like posting political things... mainly because I don't enjoy feeding the endless nonsensical arguments that pop-up in the comments. But, just incase you weren't aware- yesterday was Gold Star Mother's & Family's Day. If you don't know what that means, in order to "earn" that title... your son or daughter must die in service to the country. Those families and service members come from ALL races, religions, backgrounds, etc. Yet, each and everyone is welcomed home and to their final resting place with a U.S. flag draped over their casket which is then folded and handed to their loved ones. The TV remained off in our home, I couldn't handle the nonsense being discussed. I scrolled past Facebook/Instagram posts as fast as I possibly could. The hardest part was knowing my husband had just been at a Memorial Service for a fallen Marine brother that morning.

Protest racism. Protest inequality. You CAN protest. That is your right. But, I honestly don't understand protesting the National Anthem of the country that has allowed you to make millions of dollars playing a game you love and given you a huge platform to actually be a positive role model to those who you hope to protect and those you hope to influence, etc. Remember it's the same National Anthem that all service members regardless of race, religion, etc. stand at attention for daily. President Trump (and "bad cops/police brutality" - because I am not delusional in how this whole thing started last year) is not the American Flag, nor is he the National Anthem, and most of all... he is NOT us. He, like every President before him, doesn't encompass the whole of the American people- the beautiful, unique, mixed, mess that we are. But the more and more we divide ourselves, the more people do become like him- the very thing (person) they seem to hate so passionately.

To those Gold Star Mother's and Families that I know personally. 
You were not forgotten yesterday. 
My love and prayers are with you.